Poetry Book

So, I finally finished my poetry book. Anyone interested can find it here...

Never Tell a Dreamer

Stains

you will never touch me again
your dirty hands lie in a grave
your disgusting skin rotting away
your lying tongue ever at rest
your death no loss to the world

you will never touch me again
yet I wash myself in steaming water
scrub my skin until I bleed
your mark on me lasting
longer than your life

you've taken from me so many things
over the years since I've seen you
my brother whom I cannot forgive
for going to your funeral
my own ability to live a normal life

you have taken from me
any chance of ever feeling clean
your stain ever upon my body
in a way I cannot explain
to anyone who doesn't have

a stain of their own

Reconnecting

Speaking to you again I wonder
if you know how it moves me
through this cold technological connection
how I remember your voice
can always see your face

I will never come right out
and tell you how I feel
not because you would laugh
(you were always kind to me)
but because it wouldn't help anything

Nothing changes between us
and all I can hope for
is that nothing ever will.

Understanding

I understand now exactly
what it was that happened
between the two of us

I understand now how you saw
I had nothing to offer you
nothing worth your time

I understand now your reasoning
your acceptance of my worthlessness
your rejection of my simple affections

I understand, and I forgive you,
but I cry all the same
and you will always be

the one I wanted to give everything to.

Letter... angsty whinyness

I hate you more than ever. I said I wouldn't hate you anymore, that I would let it go, that it didn't matter anymore what had happened in the past. But my memory returns bit by bit, reconstructing the events that led me to where I am now.

I remember now how you knew you were sending me into dangerous places, how you knew exactly what was being bartered for those drugs.

I remember now how you laughed when I cried, how you slammed your elbow down on my broken finger to see if I could bear it.

I remember now how your friend had to drag me out of one bad situation after another, all because of you, and how you were angry with him for bothering to help me, how you hit him when he took me to the hospital.

I remember, and I hate you, and I hate that I hate you. And you want me to call you, and I do, and I have nothing to say, but I speak anyway.

I'm determined never to tell you that I hate you, because you don't deserve to know how I feel, don't deserve anything from me, and my kindness in speaking to you is mine alone, and nothing you can take credit for.

All you gave me is life, and it's not enough to make you worth my love.

For My Mentor

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like, you know.
If I could follow in your footsteps, if I could walk your healing path.

Sometimes I wonder what you would think of me now,
With my darkness and my despair, and my desperate need to protect.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like
To have dedicated myself to your bright Goddess.

Sometimes I wish I could be like you,
The old woman with the healing herbs and the magic hands.

I will not set aside my raven cloak, nor my spear,
I will not set aside my path for your own.

But I thought you should know...
Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like.

Don't

Don't ask me about it.

Don't expect me to tell you
what happened to me
to make me the way I am.

I would tell you if I thought
you were capable of understanding
I would share everything with you.

You are not
So I don't.

Points of View

I don't need you
your soft words of comfort
your quiet ways
so soothing, so sweet

I don't need you
so get off me
go away
leave me alone

If I needed you
I would ask for you
beg for your help
call out for your solace

But I don't need you
because I have no desire
to leave behind my
destructive, desolate, melancholy...

beautiful, star-filled, passionate
night.

Speaking

I talk too much
giving out details you don't need
letting you see more
than you ever desired
of what is in my mind

I talk too much
and it's nothing I can stop
the nervousness that fuels my
ever-running mouth
beyond my control
as far as I can tell

I talk too much
but you know they're only words
it's only facts of my history
facets of my being
only small pieces I give you
don't assume that everything
is given to you by speaking

there are parts of me you don't own
and never will

Forgetting

I wonder sometimes if you have forgotten me.

You haven't,
you speak to me sometimes,
in public,
in ways that seem polite,
but not intimate.

But I wonder sometimes,
If you have forgotten,
the real me,
behind everything,
that I chose to show you,
not the one everyone sees.

Even if I never know otherwise
I refuse to believe that you have.

Break me

Break me
destroy me
but don't make me
choose
don't make me be the one
to say
"I am not your friend"
"I am not your lover anymore"

Tell me
what it is you want
if anything
tell me that we're done
so that I can grieve
break
be destroyed

and put myself together again.

March

The snow melts and falls and melts again
the ice freezes and thaws and freezes again
the drifts are no longer over my head in most places
but quite a few are still above my waist
and I wonder:

How many Marches do I have to be here, before I am used to it?
How can I find beauty in this month of dirty snow and disgusting slush?

But I know in my heart that is not the question.
The question is:

How can I not, if I find the right angle from which to look?

I haven't found the angle yet, but I'm still looking.

How?

How can you claim to truly believe anything
and then not understand that anyone else
also has beliefs?

How can you claim to be faithful
and then not understand that I also
have faith?

I think you are a fraud,
not because we believe differently
but because you are incapable of understanding
what it is to be loyal.

Brightest Light

You shine with the brightest light, my friend
It hurts my eyes, it burns my skin

Your kindness seems boundless, dear one,
My pain and fear have just begun

I thank you for not looking away
Facing my pain day after day

I thank you for not burning out
Accepting my endless doubt

Most of all, I thank you,
because you shine with brightest light, my friend.

The Spirit's Song

For Mama Geet

In the stillness of this sleepless night
I hear your voice
calm and lilting,
singing softly in a language
my soul knows
even if my mind has forgotten.

Your voice is not beautiful
but it is sweeter to my ears
than any singer I know.
You sing me to sleep
as if these years were nothing
as if your death were no barrier...

My soul is with you, wherever you may tread.